


Little Do You Know

by idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec (GoodFinderBadger)



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 04:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5729308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFinderBadger/pseuds/idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Magnus makes the biggest mistake of his life, can he figure out how to move on and save his marriage?  Or will it all fall apart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Little Do You Know

“Okay,” Alec said as he walked in the kitchen carrying their daughter in his arms. She looked adorable in a green dress with matching shoes and a white flower in her hair. Magnus greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and was about to do the same to his husband, then hesitated. His hesitation cost him and before he could go ahead with his plan Alec had set her down on her seat and moved to make her breakfast. “I have to be at the Academy until four today. I’m hoping I can get out of there as soon as my last class ends, but you know how that goes. Sophia is changed and bathed so all you’ll have to do is feed her dinner later on. You’re picking her up at two, right?”

“Yeah, that should be fine.” Magnus said simply as he watched Alec move seamlessly around the kitchen, packing a lunch for their daughter and keeping an eye on the pancakes on the griddle at the same time. He wished he could wrap his arms around his Shadowhunter and kiss that delicious neck already decorated with runes for the day, but he couldn’t. Magnus had lost that privilege weeks ago. “You nervous about your first class alone?”

“Jace might stop in; I’ll be fine.” Alec said shortly as he zipped up the lunch box and set it by the door before hurrying over to serve up his daughter’s breakfast. “Okay, angel, eat quick, alright? Daddy has to get to work by nine.”

“What about Papa?” The little girl asked, looking curiously at her father who was normally never this quiet. 

“Papa is about to leave,” Alec said firmly as he finally looked at Magnus. Magnus had gotten the hint, but didn’t want to disappear just yet. He wanted to stay in this moment where he could pretend everything was alright. 

“Alec, can we talk?” Magnus saw Alec’s grip tighten on the spatula he was holding momentarily before he set it down gently and sent a reassuring smile at Sophia before following Magnus into their bedroom. The warlock felt his heart quicken in his chest and he clasped his hands together behind his back tightly. “You said you were okay with me moving back in.”

“I am,” Alec said absently as he started making the bed. Magnus knew he liked to have something to do with his hands when he was upset. “You’re here, and we’re feeding our daughter breakfast.”

“Alec, why can’t you just be honest?” Magnus asked in frustration. “You can barely look at me. I thought you said you had moved on. We agreed we were going to move on together. We said we weren’t going to let this destroy us.”

“The last time I was honest,” Alec’s tone was clipped and Magnus knew he was holding back a lot. “ You decided to throw yourself in someone else’s arms. Forgive me if I no longer believe honesty is the best policy. I guess I’ve finally grown up and realized that pretty white lies are what keeps us going.” He stood facing Magnus from across the bed, though it might as well have been an ocean. 

“I was drunk and-”

“I don’t want to hear it again!” Alec snapped as he picked up his gloves and equipment from the corner of their room. “You’ve said it, and I listened. We are moving on.”

“If you can’t forgive me–” Magnus ran a hand through his hair as every illusion he had believed last night when he had finally come home went up in smoke.

“I have!” Alec snarled over his shoulder. “I forgave you the first night I couldn’t sleep without you next to me. I forgave you during the hours I laid in bed crying while my little sister had to take care of our daughter. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I forgot, Magnus. You don’t get to tell me when I have to kiss you again, or even talk to you civilly. If you never move back in, we are never going to fix this. You’re here so we can try, not because it’s all magically fixed.”

“Not speaking to me is hardly trying, Alexander.” Magnus folded his arms and blocked Alec from leaving. “It’s funny how you’re throwing Sophia in my face when you’re the one who didn’t even want her.”

“I never said that!” Alec hissed with a desperate look at their bedroom door, obviously terrified their daughter would hear them. “ I told you I had doubts.”

“Those were some pretty huge doubts. You said you didn’t think we were fit to be parents. You said you weren’t sure you could raise a child with me.” Magnus tried not to be defensive when he knew he was the one who had done wrong, but he couldn’t seem to help it.

“Just forget it,” Alec finally said as he stepped around Magnus and opened their door to the hallway. “I’m not going to let you throw this back on me. What you did is unforgivable and yet here I am forgiving you anyways. You need to remember that next time you want to complain how I’m not talking to you.”

“ Alec, we can’t-” Magnus was forced to take a step to the side as Alec pushed past him to head back to the kitchen. Magnus sighed and desperately wanted a chance for the two of them to talk. He missed his husband so much and he was right in front of him.  
~~

“You’re going to tear your shoulder more,” Jace commented to his parabatai as he found Alec shooting arrows in an abandoned target room. Alec truly loved teaching, but he forgot what arrogant little brats young shadowhunters could be. Most of them were exactly like Jace had been every time he opened his mouth when he first came to live with them and they weren’t growing on him the way his parabatai had. He also wasn’t in love with any of them which hurt their case compared to Jace Herondale. 

“I need to shoot something before I go crazy. They’re really light, believe me.” Alec countered as he let another arrow fly to hit the target twenty feet away. This was easy compared to what he was used to shooting, and yet the twinge in his shoulder shooting down his arm told him that he was pushing his luck. Jace looked very unhappy as he leaned against the wall next to him.

“You need to let it heal, not keep on tearing it. Have you asked Magnus -” Jace looked as if he regretted saying the name the moment it left his lips. Alec’s arrow went way off its mark and clattered somewhere on the floor. Alec swore softly and slumped next to his parabatai while rubbing his aching shoulder.

“I’m not asking him anything,” Alec tried to keep his tone neutral, really he did. The look Jace sent him told him that he failed by a large margin.

“So, is Magnus back home?” Jace came over to press a pressure point near his shoulder and the pain relented somewhat. Months before Alec had torn his rotator cuff from years of pulling heavy bow strings and now he needed to let it heal. It meant a life of teaching and not being the shadowhunter he was born to be. He had always thought that hunting didn’t matter to him that much. He had assumed that if there was a time he couldn’t go on hunts it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. The last few weeks had proven him wrong. Alec was without an outlet for all his stress, desperate hurt, and frustration. He was stuck at home with a toddler or teaching a bunch of teenagers who might as well be toddlers for the way they acted most of the time. 

“Yes, he came home yesterday.” Alec refused to look at his parabatai. He had no idea what exactly he would see in his golden eyes. He wasn’t sure whether he’d see pity, or if he’d see the urge to murder Magnus Bane. 

“How is that going?” Jace was massaging his shoulder gently and it was helping if only slightly. Alec leaned his head back and sighed.

“Not as well as I’d hoped,” Alec confessed. “I was honestly hoping that once he came home forgiving him would be easier. I thought I’d fall back into his arms and things would be okay. It turns out I’m angrier than I thought. I’m so angry and so upset.”

“Of course you are,” Jace said succinctly, validating his feelings and making Alec feel instantly better. “He’s the ass that cheated on you. He married you and then decided to break every vow he made for the cost of one stupid night. I don’t know why you’re staying with him.”

“I still love him, Jace.” Alec explained as if he was speaking to one of his students. “One mistake doesn’t make years of love and commitment vanish. I’m still complete crazy about him, only now I’m pissed at him at the same time. We have a life together and a daughter.” Alec felt a lump building in his throat and had to stop before he started crying once again. 

“Well I can tell you that you’re a much better person than I am,” Jace told him as he helped Alec gather up the arrows that had flown into and around the target. “Then again, we’ve known that for a long time now. If Clary cheated I don’t know if I could stay with her.”

“Don’t say I’m such a great person yet.” Alec was regretting his target practice more each second as his shoulder throbbed and ached every time he moved it. He hoped he hadn’t done any further damage to the limb. It had taken weeks to get it this functional. “We’re not exactly working right now. What if we don’t make it? What if, after everything, after Edom, this is what breaks us? I thought we were finally in a good place and then I had to go and say awful things to him because I was afraid to have kids.”

“You were fighting about Sophia?” Jace stopped to stare at him. Alec had never told him what their fight had been about that night.

“He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to adopt her. He didn’t include me in this huge decision of starting a family. He just brought her home and I had no say in it. I’m still scared of messing up with this little girl I’m supposed to teach everything to. I mean, what if I miss something important? Plus there’s the fact Magnus tends to run when things get messy, hell both of us do. A few weeks ago being a case in point. I told him I had doubts about us raising a kid together right now and he took it too far and had an affair. I was being honest with him and I feel like he punished me for it. Now I feel like I can’t tell him something he won’t want to hear.” Alec took a deep breath after his rambling confession of just what was wrong with his picture of marital bliss. Jace was silent as he pulled him forwards into a tight embrace. Alec clung to him desperately, being starved of touch for weeks now. He pressed his forehead to Jace’s shoulder as he fought tears desperately. He was tired of crying and he had definitely learned that it didn’t help anything by now.   
“You two are going to be okay,,” Jace whispered in his ear as he cradled the back of Alec’s head with his hand. “If you both want it to work, then it will. You two love each other more than any two people I’ve ever met. If you two survived hell and back then you can do it one more time.” Alec was silent as he desperately hoped his parabatai was right this time.

~~~

Alec took a long walk after his classes that day to get his thoughts together. He wanted to be with Magnus, even after the way the warlock had hurt him. He walked up to see Magnus sitting on their front steps smoking a cigarette. He looked at his gorgeous husband, every inch of his caramel skin beautifully cast in shadows, and the ache he’d been feeling in his heart for days grew nearly unbearable as if it was consuming him from the inside out. He missed Magnus, even as angry as he was. He missed being held by him in the late hours of the night, talking about their day or dancing in the kitchen early in the morning before their daughter woke up. He missed whispering during tv shows and movies, lost in their own little world. He missed being married to the best man ever created, and he was so afraid he never would get that feeling back.

He spotted Magnus sitting on the front steps to their building smoking a cigarette. It was one of his horrible stress relievers. 

“You cheated on me.” The words were said calmly and rang through the silent street. They echoed in the air between them and Alec could hardly believe it had really come to this. That they had come down to this. Magnus stood up slowly as he put out his cigarette out on the pavement with his shoe. 

“You cheated on me!” Alec’s voice rose in volume and he saw Magnus flinch as if he had physically hurt him. Alec’s breathing was growing heavy as he struggled to control what little filter he had these days. Magnus stood there looking at him, beautiful and all Alec could see was some other man touching him, licking him, undressing the only man he ever loved, the only man he ever would love this way. 

“YOU CHEATED ON ME!” This time the horrible sentence was screamed so loudly it hurt Alec’s throat. It felt like the words were tearing him apart from the inside out. The tears he had been fighting for weeks finally spilled over his cheeks, hot and wet as they left their trail to drip down his chin. It felt cathartic in a way, and yet also so terrible it was like each tear was burning him. 

“Yes, Alexander, I cheated on you.” Magnus’s voice was soft, yet firm as they gazed at each other. “I cheated on you and I can hardly live with myself. I hurt you in a way I never should have. It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”

“How could you?” Alec asked, largely ignoring Magnus’s rambling apology. “After everything we have worked through to get here! We got through a war, through Edom, and every other thing trying to tear us apart and you go and do this!” He felt like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the entire world that could fill his lungs in that moment. He was gasping and choking and he wanted Magnus to just understand how badly he had shattered him.

“If an apology would help at this time I would say it again, but I don’t think that’s what you want.” Magnus tried to step towards him, and Alec didn’t know if he could stand Magnus close to him yet. “The problem is, I don’t know what you want.”

“I want this to never have happened,” Alec’s tears had slowed a bit but they were still steady in coming. “I want you to not be a complete idiot and ruin everything. Do you know how hard it was for me to accept that I was enough for you?” Alec took a deep breath and felt his legs trembling. The thoughts had run through his head for weeks and now he wa getting them out. “I hurt my shoulder and now I can’t be a Shadowhunter. I’m reduced to teaching and do you know how worthless that makes me feel? The only thing that made me feel like I was worth anything was being your husband. I thought I was good at being your husband and making you happy. That is what got me through each day and now I can’t even say that anymore.”

“Alec, you have to know you are more than just a Shadowhunter.” Magnus said softly. The warlock was so still and so cautious that it made Alec’s heart break. They weren’t meant to be like this, cautious and hesitant. They were so comfortable around each other that it was like they were almost two sides of the same person. They were never meant to be strangers. 

“I hate you for this,” Alec got out, his voice choked. “I hate you for making me feel like this. I have never felt this awful, ever. Not even Robert made me feel like this.”

“What can I do?” Magnus asked, his cat eyes pleading and desperate. Alec knew he wanted to help, and was probably at a loss that he couldn’t help when in the past he could make anything better with a joke, smile, or tender kiss. “Tell me how I can help you forgive me. Alec, I am so sorry to the very depth of my soul. I can’t undo it. I can only say that it will never happen again.”

“Why did it ever happen? How could you be with someone else? How could you kiss them, and touch them, and l-love–”

“The way I fucked them was nothing close to how I make love to you.” Magnus told him, meaning to be reassuring. Alec felt sick to his stomach, but couldn’t seem to leave or stop the conversation. “You are my husband, Alexander. I will never make love to anyone the way I do to you. It was rough, mindless, and meaningless. It. Meant. Nothing. Do you hear me?”

“I’m going to bed, is Sophia asleep?” Alec couldn’t stand to be out here anymore and listen to this. He couldn’t talk about the worst thing that had ever happened to him. He needed to get away and clear his head so he could prepare his heart and mind for another day. Each day kept getting longer and more miserable. He wanted to fall in Magnus’s arms and pretend like it never happened, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t pretend like it didn’t matter, not this time. 

“Yeah, she was down an hour ago.” Magnus shifted his weight between his feet and finally darted forwards to snag Alec’s wrist in his hand gently. Alec felt himself shaking at the simple touch. It had been two weeks since his husband had touched him, and it felt like two lifetimes. He hadn’t gone this long without touching another human being in years, and it hurt. “I love you Alexander, and I always will. Please don’t let this ruin us. I-I don’t know if I could cope with losing you like this.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t have slept with someone else,” Alec snarled as he tore his wrist away. “I need sleep, I’m exhausted. You can have the couch.”

“Goodnight then,” Magnus said weakly. Alec went inside without turning back.

~~~~

The clock was blinking at him with glaring red numbers that was three in the morning and he should really get some sleep. Magnus, however, was very far from being able to fall asleep. He kept replaying Alec screaming and sobbing on the sidewalk in front of him. He kept seeing the look of agony in his blue eyes and felt his stomach turn over at the thought of not being able to do a damn thing to help. All he could do was wait and pray that Alec could find forgiveness one more time for a person who had torn him apart.   
He shot up as he saw the bathroom light flick on, knowing it was Alec in there. He wondered if Alec could truly sleep when things were like this. He could never sleep when Alec had to stay in Idris, not soundly. He was constantly tossing and turning without his husband next to him. The moments ticked on as Magnus stared at the ceiling while keeping one eye on the light underneath the bathroom door. As five minutes turned to ten Magnus grew concerned and tossed the blanket off of him to patter over to the door. He could hear water running, and also sobbing, that sound that echoed through his mind like a gunshot. It was a sound he never wanted to hear again, and he definitely had never wanted to be cause of it. He bit his lip for a long moment, debating on whether he should knock. Another sob broke through the barrier between them and Magnus could no longer help himself.

“Alec, are you alright?” He knew it wa a stupid question and wasn’t all too surprised at the silence that met his question. “Baby, it’s okay. I promise it’s going to be okay. Do you want me to call Jace?” He hated admitting it, but the blonde was the next best thing to himself. 

“No, I don’t want Jace.” Alec’s voice was small and barely legible Magnus tried the knob and was surprised to find it open. Alec must have forgotten to lock it. He eased open the door and slipped through. The sight he was met one stabbed him like a knife in the stomach.. Alec was slumped in front of the tub with a bloody razor on the floor between his legs. His thigh was riddled with cuts, old and new. He knew Alec had done things like this before they had met. Alec had always told him that ever since they met he had had no reason to ever want to hurt himself when Magnus made him feel so whole, complete, and loved. 

He had failed Alec more than he could have ever imagined.

“Oh Alec, no.” Magnus breathed. Blue eyes snapped up to meet his with shame pooling in them, but it was far better than the fierce anger from before. It seemed as if the anger had left for now to be replaced by desperation and simple sadness. Magnus snapped his fingers to make the blade disappear from sight and settled to kneeling in front of the Shadowhunter. He cast healing magic over the gashes on Alec’s hip and thigh to make them heal over. “Please say this isn’t because of me. Alec, darling, please don’t hurt yourself over this. Tell me you won’t go back to that.”

“It’s easier than dealing with my heart breaking.” Alec said softly. “I miss you, Magnus. I miss you all of the time, and yet I can’t just forgive you.”

“You can, “ Magnus pleads. “It’s better than doing this.” The warlock is crying with his love as they sit on the bathroom floor with their legs tangled and Magnus clutching Alec’s hands like he was holding Alec to the ground. 

“It meant nothing?” Alec’s voice was small as he asked and he wouldn’t meet Magnus’s gaze. Magnus reached out to gently trace the back of his fingers against Alec’s jaw. Alec sighs, though it sounds more like a sob, and leans slightly into the touch.

“It meant absolutely nothing I swear to you. It was just sex.” Magnus waited with bated breath, desperately hoping Alec would let him in. 

“I never understood that.” Alec said while nuzzling his hand like a kitten would. “I never knew sex could be so meaningless. You’ve always made it so special for us.”

“That’s the way it’s meant to be. I’m so sorry,” Magnus was shaking from sobs as Alec finally climbed on top of him to cuddle into his chest. The tile was cold on his back, but Magnus didn’t dare move as Alec finally allowed them to touch. Alec’s hands were fisted in his shirt and Magnus felt new tears soaking through. 

“I love you,” Alec whispered against his skin. “I don’t know how to not love you. I don’t know how to stop. I loved you through every minute you made me cry. I loved you even when I was angry I couldn’t see straight. “

“Thank you,” Magnus pressed a kiss to his hair. He was damn lucky to have Alec, to share this beautiful boy’s love. “Oh, thank you. I don’t deserve you.”

“You can’t do this again to me,” Alec pulled back to look at him with a fierce expression. “If you ever so much as look at someone else with real intention, I will leave you. No matter how much I may love you.” Magnus nodded solemnly even as he tried to say with his eyes that no such thing would ever happen. 

“Never, Alexander, never I promise you.”

“I want to go to sleep,” Alec said as he climbed to his feet. He held a hand out to Magnus. “I want you to come sleep with me. I’m so exhausted and my shoulder hurts so much.”

“You got it, whatever you want,” Magnus promised, knowing Alec deserved whatever he could give. He was led to bed where Alec snuggled in and pulled Magnus on top of him like a blanket. They didn’t speak as they slowly fell asleep for the first time since Magnus’s disastrous mistake. They only held each other and prayed they would make it through this as they had everything else, together and in love.


End file.
